*Trigger warnings: references to suicide, non-consensual sex, and plenty of healing.*
The woman you see and meet in me today, whose practice is primarily focused on working with life force energy, only came to know this force of aliveness from an early-life focused very much on knowing death.
At six years old, I was exposed to an attempted (and thankfully, unsuccessful) suicide of someone who I looked up to and loved dearly - accompanied with a hauntingly beautiful, and tragic piece of poetry. This time in my life became a benchmark of grief for me. It was around this age that I started writing my own poetry. I remember one of my first poems I wrote by heart. It went like this:
”With every wink of an eye, someone is dying
When it rains outside it's just heaven crying
Life is a gift that God gave to you
So use life wisely, you don't have two.”
Ten years later (after several early-teen years of experiencing my own depression, suicidality & self-harm), in the middle of the night on my best friends birthday, I stood in the road at a fatal accident scene where my ex-lover had just died, a mile from the house I grew up in. The last words they texted to me filled me with a projection of pain and blame. I smashed my phone on the pavement and with that destruction, a part of me who developed from my own traumatic past, died too.
For years I would visit the accident scene attempting make peace with it all. A crumbled stone wall and the sound of pond water gently pouring through the cracks, toads and cicadas singing in the night. I remembered looking at this peaceful spot out of the window of the school bus everyday on the way to elementary school, feeling an unexplainable energetic presence tied to it.
On the night they died, I felt an angelic presence for the first time in my life at the accident scene. When I got reiki attuned later in life and sent distance reiki to myself in that moment, I came to know that presence I felt as my own future self sending me quantum healing. That blew my mind.
There were several other key people who played important roles in the unfolding of that night. Sparing you the exact details, I understand it now to be a tangled web of souls playing out some kind of intricately detailed, inter-related, mysterious & fucked-up karmic dance with each other. And for the good of all, the physical manifestation of that dance has now been over for a long time.
* If this was a lot to read, here's a loving invitation to pause now and take a few deep breaths. The story does get increasingly lighter, I swear.
My childhood was filled with moments of desperately asking Why as I tried to grasp the emotionally intense totality of life, cursing love and cursing God. The relational imprint/conditioning I had received as a highly sensitive child from my family was far from functional or healthy. I had corrosive, fractured ideas of what love and relationship looked like. I never dreamed of having a family because I feared it would look like the disharmony that I knew. While I cursed love, there was always an innocent and primal part of me longed for a sense of love, safety and belonging, more than anything in the world. Our core human needs.
Through my adolesence, my creative expression, curiosity, and sexuality & erotic innocence were threads of connection to my aliveness that gave me the inspiration I needed to want to survive. From a young age I started intuitively guiding pleasure practices at sleepovers with my friends. I felt that this was innocent, pure, and a testament to what would become a key part of my life's work. It wasn't until I recognized this force within me as something boys wanted, therefore a potential means for receiving the validation, love and attention that I craved, that my sexuality became distorted. This led to some destructive, disempowering and harmful behaviors.
The hungry ghost of my inner child rejected the very thing she craved the most - Love. As soon as a “nice boy” actually wanted to love her, she felt this impeding doom, disguised as emptiness and boredom. A frozen nervous system, really. Instead, there was a pull toward people that would reject and neglect me, yet I wondered why I was still in so much pain when things in my life actually started to look up for what felt like the first time. I was no longer getting teased in school for being too sensitive. I had friends, was well-liked, began cheerleading and was part of a team. Yet my original nature of being a sensitive, caring and curious little girl became buried under an outer shell that was combative, defensive, radically rebellious, and honestly kinda fuckin' mean to those I loved the most.
Now I know this part through IFS (internal family systems) work as a Protector part who was guarding a vulnerable Exile of my inner child who felt terrorized and powerless underneath.
The hardened survivor that developed not only sourced her aliveness though sexual validation, but also stealing, drinking & drugs, which later lead to multiple juvenile arrests. I was getting in so much trouble yet had the brains and spirits to be top of my class and captain of my cheerleading team. But if I were to reach my potential in any sort of way, something had to change to get me to stay on the right path. Oddly, or perhaps not depending on your frame of reference, it was the death of my ex-lover at 16 that snapped me into a new reality where I was a lot less willing to entertain the idea of leaving this planet - because of what I now understood it could leave behind. My perception of myself started to change and I began to think about the impact of my actions in a new way. I started to see how my defensive coping mechanisms were destructive to myself and my relationships.
A few years later at 19 years old, I finally stopped cursing God. I had an unexpected spiritual awakening catalyzed by psychedelics, oracle cards, mediumship, and the 2012-2013 transformational portal. For the first time in my life I KNEW there was a divine design to life that was always in the background of everything. I still didn't logically understand why such dark and terrible things had to occur in the world if there was a God. What I did have was a felt-sense and inner trust of the cosmic mystery at play, paired with an understanding of a few basic physics principles such as: Energy cannot be created nor destroyed and Dark Matter plays a vital role in the gravitational pull allowing Light Matter to float in space. This was enough for me to trust that the universe was Divine.
It has now been ten years since that initial awakening. I have spent the better portion of this decade grieving/healing my childhood and generational trauma, reparenting my inner child, learning to regulate my nervous system, learning and applying conscious communication + relationship skills and reclaiming my sexuality as something undeniably Holy, sacred and worthy of intentional, honorable use. I have worked to move my perspective from that of Victim Consciousness to what I now call Initiate Consciousness. (And while I experienced these, at times victimizing, traumas and challenges - I did have the privilege of experiencing them from a white, cis-gendered lens which feels important to note).
Within these last ten years, I have searched high and low to remember who I was at a soul level and why I was here. I learned my birth chart in almost every different house system, plus Bazi, gene keys, human design and akashic records. Got my palms read to understand my rare moon whorl, saw many psychics, mediums and tarot readers. Took every personality test under the sun. Learned reiki and bodywork. Learned bellydance and became a teacher. Studied yoga and even some ayruveda. Dove from mysticism into psychology, shadow work, plant medicine, ancestral healing, neuroscience, internal family systems, elemental alchemy, archetypal work and more.
Eventually, I found my way to my teacher Tantra Layla Martin. I studied and practiced for 650+ hours to become a VITA coach in the areas of love, sacred sexuality and relationships. In classic Initiate fashion, turning my deepest wounds into my most cherished wisdom. It turns out, who I am and why I'm here was imprinted in my earliest memories of myself before my traumas really set in - leading me forget. I am and always was a poetic mystic, explorer, creative artist, erotic creature, and kind-hearted, loving being. All of my experiences and the healing processes they've invited me into have initiated me into the guide, mentor, artist and ceremonialist that I am. I combine all my learned professional skills with my natural talents by specializing in working with women on healing and liberating their relationship to their emotions, bodies and sensuality so they can experience more fulfilling life, love, sex & relationships.
This work starts with learning to self-source inner safety and creating inner space. And listen - I KNOW what it's like to feel so fucking crowded in your own mind that you can barely breathe or move. To feel like a broken, traumatized "mutant" that surely - no one - would ever be able to relate to. To feel like a foreigner in your own life when you wake up and realize almost everything you created in it came from inner sense of fear and lack, and therefore doesn't truly light you up but you feel too ungrateful to admit it. I also know what it's like to have a beautiful life, but to struggle to receive it because a part of you still feels unworthy and stuck in the past - hiding her fear behind self-sabotaging blame games, defensive & divisiveness.
I know what it's like to have your inner flame go almost all the way out, barely a flicker in the darkness. And to fight with all you have to stoke the flame so it'll grow into something you can finally move from. I know what it's like to surrender the fight, to lay down the shield and sword and to bow in reverence to the unknown and finally - ask for a little help. To feel blessed to be at ground zero after being in the underworld for so long. AND to feel pissed off and stuck at ground zero believing maybe you'll never truly thrive.
I know what it's like to forget who you are. And to remember. To resist and to receive. To stagnant and to flow. To forgive but not forget. And I know what it's like to keep going. To pick myself up. To still dare to dream. And to have really good days where I love myself so much that I want to passionately fuck myself to the stars and gently carry me back down wrapping myself in a blanket of earth. To have dreams and desires and the courage to be a stand for them despite having very little proof that they are possible. To be waiting for a permission slip that whispers "Go all in."
The me who has held myself through all of this is the place I aim to lead from. As a full-spectrum human who has experienced some deep lows, some ecstatic highs, and who has learned to enjoy (instead of feeling bored) chilling in the middle sometimes. I aim to lead as someone who can hold you in your full emotional range. In your wholeness. In every shade of your being including your shame, pain AND your wildest dreams. And to be an example and lighthouse of how to do this for yourself.
I am not a therapist nor a mother. I do not claim to be an expert at anyones else life path. Who and what I am is a sister, an artist, a cosmic cheerleader, a mirror, a trauma-informed guide, an honest mentor, teacher, and above all else - a devoted, eternal student who is rich in resources of healing & liberation and generous in sharing them. That's who I am.
And that's who you can expect to meet if you work with me. You can expect to receive my presence, support, perspective, encouragement and simple yet potent transformational practices that you can take with you to use on your own and in your relationships for the rest of your life. By combining modern neuroscience and ancient mysticism, I help you reveal, reframe and rewire how you relate to yourself & your body so that you can experience life outside of the karmic samskara's of your past and instead, live inside of your souls highest truth. Welcome.
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